scarlet's walk (kisstheviolets) wrote,
scarlet's walk
kisstheviolets

Should I tell her?

I’m not in the mood to write a journal entry...but I have to, I guess. I’m slack. I don’t want to do anything. Well actually, I wanna go out and party. I’m sick of being at the computer. There’s more that I want to do, and they don’t include - the net - homework - writing letters. There’s a first. Don’t mind me, I’m restless once again.

So much happened in the last few days I didn’t write. Last night, I was at Sarah’s place with Kristy, Lisa, Tara and Kelly. We watched some videos, first of the year 11 drama play - I was meant to be in it, but got pneumonia and wound up in hospital on Opening night, so this guy took my place, and I got a copy of the tape. It was just hilarious, so we killed ourselves laughing watching it. It was so long ago - more than a year. Well, it seems a long time. So much has happened since then. Then we watched "Austin Powers" - totally tragic. We laughed because it was just...sad. Warped.

I realise that there’s so much my friends don’t understand about suicide and depression. No wonder I can’t talk to them. Me and Kristy were talking about a mutual friend of ours last night, and I said something about how he tried to commit suicide the year before, and we were discussing that for a bit. Kristy said to me, "people who say they’re going to commit suicide are just after attention, right?" NO, NO, NO!!! That’s all wrong! That’s the same dumb myth that for years, has caused people not to believe people who mean it - and then they wonder afterwards why it happened. I explained to her that people who cried suicide needed help, that they were depressed and sad - but it was hard without revealing too much about myself. I came so close to showing her my own cuts (that’s how the guy we were talking about attempted it - slashing his wrists). But then Sarah came back, with the other girls.

It makes me kinda sad, that I can’t explain to my friends the truth about it all. That I can’t tell them about stuff that happened in the past. Because I want to talk to them. I don’t want to hide it anymore. I don’t want to be afraid that people in real life are going to come to my page and read my story - I want them to be able to read it and already know it. I want to help people in real life who feel the same way. I’m sick of substituting internet relationships and D&M’s for real life ones.

When we were talking about this guy, Kristy said to me that she was glad I had told her, because now she realised what happened. Will she feel the same way if I tell her about me?

*



My sister has been in hospital since Wednesday - she had an operation on Thursday, pretty major, four and a half hours. She was so sad when I went in to see her last night, but this morning, she was a lot better. A lot of the tubes that she had last night, were removed, and she was even able to sit up in her wheelchair. She’s coming out soon! I can’t wait.
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