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08 November 2001 @ 02:59 pm
 
I don't know why I'm so unmotivated.
I have to get ready for work in less than an hour, and I've barely done any of the work I was going to do today. After yesterday's productiveness, I'm quite disappointed with myself right about now.

Bec and I are meeting on Monday, to revise our counselling stuff before the exam that night. I feel rather relieved - I think talking this stuff through will help somewhat. At the moment I'm just reading and taking notes, and reciting this stuff in my mind, and I don't know how much I'm actually remembering through doing that.

I've been incredibly unmotivated this semester, and not only that, but my attitude has gone right down. I basically don't care anymore, I just want to get this over with. Even last year, after I wound up in hospital after having a minor breakdown, I was more motivated and determined to do well than I have been this semester. I came out of hospital and got Distinctions and High Distinctions in my assignments and exams. I'm passing my stuff this semester, but some of it is *only* passing. Yesterday I handed up a journal that was due 3 months ago. I didn't do any of the readings for my other journal, and just bullshitted my way through 38 pages - double spaced, of course - before emailing it to the lecturer. This is not like me at all.

I think this might have something to do with having spent a good 16 out of my 21 years of living, being in school. I'm incredibly sick of studying, and I'm beginning to wonder what it's all worth. I feel like I haven't LIVED yet, that this life has meant nothing, simply because all I'm doing is studying. I want to be OUT THERE, in the real world, doing real things, getting real life experience, learning stuff that is truly important, putting to use all the other things I have learnt over 21 years. Worrying about getting all my textbook notes typed out, or making sure I hit the word limit on that essay seems so meaningless and unimportant in the greater scheme of things.

And then I wonder... if this is really so unimportant to me, then why am I getting so stressed, so worried, so upset about not doing well?

In a little over a week, this will all be over, at least for awhile. Someone, please help me to hang on that long.