February 24th, 1998

butterfly girl : where she goes when she


It's soo hot today! It's weird, after all the perfect weather we've been having, but then, it is summer. It's 38C degrees, which is about 100F degrees. Either way, it's hot!

I got a letter from Susanne today. Now I don't know what to do. She still wants to be friends. I'm going have to think about it. There's so much, of bnoth stories - mine, and hers - that neither of us know, but I just wanted to stop worrying about it all. Now what am I supposed to do? I don't just want to ignore the letter. After all, part of the reason the friendship was over was because I thought she didn't care about us anymore, and we were sick of worrying about her. But I'll have to think about it.

I can't think of a single thing to write about. I can't believe how uninteresting my life is! Well, actually, I guess I do have things I could write about, but I either can't be bothered, or I don't want to put it in my journal because I don't want to remember about it. Joy!


I talked to Kristy and Sarah about the letter today. I still don't know what to do. In a way I'm angry, but really, I'm just sick of thinking about it. I wish she hadn't sent me the letter, I just want to let things drop. For one of the first times in ages, I'm really glad we're not at school anymore. I don't want to think what it would be like if we all had to see each other everyday. At least now we can avoid each other. It's not an all out bitching war. I'm so angry at whoever it is who's been telling her that we've been spreading rumours about her. We think we know who it is, and that makes me sad. I can't trust her anymore. How do I know that whatever I tell her, won't be blabbed to people I don't want knowing? She used to be one of my best friends as well.

Like I was saying to Sarah tonight, I feel like I can't talk to anyone anymore. With the exceptions of a few like Sarah, Kristy, Tim Sc, Daniel, Renee....I can't trust anyone else. How do I know that what I say won't get repeated to the wrong people? It makes me sad. I'm hiding so much from people, even just the most trivial stuff, from people whom I don't know to trust. That's not what friendship is supposed to be about. I had so many great friends whom I could talk to about anything, but now that's limited to only a trusted few. I've had some bad experiences already with people telling others about stuff I've told them, and it really annoys me and makes me angry. And sad.

I guess I'm beginning to understand why so many people use the Internet so much - substituting it for real life. I feel safer telling an Internet friend about my problems, because I know it's not going to go anywhere. To other people, I mean. I don't have that same security talking to people I know in real life. I wish I did though.

Me and Olivia are going to start snail-mailing each other. That's cool, it makes the online friendship seem more real-life. The Internet is great, but I prefer to communicate through snail mail, and not email. I don't know why. I just prefer writing letters than typing emails, mainly because I can never be bothered to sit down at the computer and type some email. It's like, I write my emails when I'm offline to save net-time (even though we have unlimited, I'd rather not waste online time writing emails), but when I'm offline, I just want to get online! Either that or I want to get as far away from the computer. *Sigh* But there's something about actually handwriting a letter and buying a stamp and relying on good ol' Australia Post, that makes the frienship seem more real and special. There's so many Internet people I have met that I've just forgotten aout, but not as many real life friends. That includes penpals as well.

Well, I'm off to bed now. I'm tired, I got woken up by my mobile phone at...well, earlier than I would have liked to be up, anyway. Sorry this was such a crap journal entry.