August 6th, 2001

butterfly girl : where she goes when she

(no subject)

Oh yes. I borrowed my friend's Clincial Psych. text book, and have been reading about various mental disorders. I don't really seem to fit any one diagnosis, and this makes me feel a lot better. Despite the test earlier on, maybe I'm just... normal.

(I never wanted to be a crazy girl. I just wanted to understand.)

butterfly girl : where she goes when she

(no subject)

I'm incredibly tired. I should probably go to bed now, although tonight has been somewhat productive. At least I've started on the mountain of homework I've been neglecting since the semester began, and by starting, it doesn't seem like such a scary thing after all. If I wasn't so tired, I'd begin on my counselling reading too. But right now I feel like it'd be rather fruitless... my mind's on overload right now. It's okay though, at least I've started, right? That's always the hard part.

One of the hardest things I'm finding at the moment, is the idea of letting go of something. Like an idea, or maybe a fear. I'm scared to let go of things, for fear of people thinking that I'm a failure, or more to the point, that I'll think I'm a failure. It's the same irrational fear that kept me working 2 jobs a couple of years ago, even though I was deathly miserable; the same fear that's stopped me from asking for help when I've needed it, or admitted that I couldn't handle something on my own. It's silly, and in my brighter moments, I can see clearly that my way of handling things is only making life harder for myself; but then, whoever thinks rationally in what appears to be a time of crisis? Certainly not me.

I'm starting to get a little better though. I'm letting go of certain things, and I'm not taking responsibility for things that... I shouldn't be taking responsibility for. It sort of feels like I'm taking the easy way out, but I think I need to understand that when someone tells me to take a step back from something, then that's exactly what I should do. I need to stop trying to play the heroine, and stop trying to deal with things that I don't need to be. Especially when they're beyond my control.

This ends here. And I need to stop getting so upset about these things. It's not doing anyone any good, lest of all, me.