(I never wanted to be a crazy girl. I just wanted to understand.)
August 6th, 2001
One of the hardest things I'm finding at the moment, is the idea of letting go of something. Like an idea, or maybe a fear. I'm scared to let go of things, for fear of people thinking that I'm a failure, or more to the point, that I'll think I'm a failure. It's the same irrational fear that kept me working 2 jobs a couple of years ago, even though I was deathly miserable; the same fear that's stopped me from asking for help when I've needed it, or admitted that I couldn't handle something on my own. It's silly, and in my brighter moments, I can see clearly that my way of handling things is only making life harder for myself; but then, whoever thinks rationally in what appears to be a time of crisis? Certainly not me.
I'm starting to get a little better though. I'm letting go of certain things, and I'm not taking responsibility for things that... I shouldn't be taking responsibility for. It sort of feels like I'm taking the easy way out, but I think I need to understand that when someone tells me to take a step back from something, then that's exactly what I should do. I need to stop trying to play the heroine, and stop trying to deal with things that I don't need to be. Especially when they're beyond my control.
This ends here. And I need to stop getting so upset about these things. It's not doing anyone any good, lest of all, me.