November 13th, 2002

butterfly girl : where she goes when she

things to achieve by February 2003

+ earn enough money working at Rebel to pay for all car bills and dance lessons for 2003
+ catch up with as many friends as possible including work friends, drama friends, old school friends
+ stay in touch with everyone here in Qld, especially Jane, Pat, Kelly, Beck, and Sarah
+ figure out what exactly I want out of this course
+ watch Fight Club with Russell
+ become more flexible (aiming for splits in all 3 directions!)
+ colour my hair (hopefully this will be first weekend back)
+ do my Christmas shopping early (by the first week of December? heh, maybe)
+ get a new mobile phone when old contract runs out
+ drive up to Loberthal to see the Christmas lights
+ perfect my pirouettes, both on flat and on pointe (double pirouttes if possible)
+ perfect developes and other 90degree leg raising exercises
+ make this relationship with Russell work

I can't believe there's only 1 more day before I go back home for the summer. It's kinda of unreal. I'm going to miss being up here, but I'm awfully excited about going home for so long. Hopefully I can work out a lot of things so when I come back again next year, things won't feel quite so unstable again.
butterfly girl : where she goes when she

choosing between yr dreams and yr heart

In 24 hours time, I'll be on a plane on my way back to Adelaide for the summer, and suddenly I'm feeling a little sad about it. Isn't it crazy how I've been looking forward to going back, almost since I came back from my last holiday, yet now that I'm leaving again, I'm realising all the things I'm leaving behind. Maybe this is stemming from having good ballet classes lately, and realising that even if I'm not up to the same standard as all the other girls who have been dancing all their lives, I'm doing okay, and I'm getting better. Maybe this is stemming from having a class tonight where I actually felt in control of what I was doing for once, rather than feeling out of control, or maybe this is stemming from the announcement that the next children's theatre production that I wanted to work on is actually beginning their rehearsals very soon, rather than next year like I thought, meaning I'll be missing out on the beginning... again. Maybe it's coming from this realisation that hit me this afternoon as I looked around my room deciding whether to pack my jazz sneakers or not that I wouldn't be back here again for at least 2 1/2 months, and that when I return, things will have changed, I will have changed, because it's a certainty right now. It all just kinda hit, and now I feel like I'm being torn between 2 places.

Kinda like I did when I first moved up here.

I'm going to need help to remember to come back again next year. I've had so many doubts and bad thoughts this last few months which make the possibility of staying back in Adelaide too easy to fall into, but I can't. Because it hit me today, and every other day when I dance and remember how much I love to dance; when I'm in the theatre and remembering how I wanted to spend all my days there, or when I sing, and everything else just fades into the background... that despite everything else, I really do love being up here. But I'm scared to have more months like the recent ones where all there is is doubt and pain and uncertainty.

Tomorrow I go back to my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my security, my comforts. I leave my world of dance + theatre + music, my independence and my dreams coming true. And I wonder which world is really the best for me right now.