January 14th, 2004

butterfly girl : where she goes when she

gothicism - i guess it turned out to be sort of a mini-essay

noel says to me at work, you live in a fantasy world, but not in a mean way. and all i can think is... what took so long for you to notice ?

sarah & i saw peter pan again last night; i loved it just as much second time round. the soundtrack is released here on monday, and even though i keep swearing i'm going to save my money (for england ! 37 weeks !), this is special. i'm trying to get hold of one of those giant movie posters they have up in the cinemas too. if only i could fly away to neverland for real.

i'm fascinated by the goth culture (or sub-culture if you like). perhaps i'm more drawn to it's counter-culture, the rejection of society, the rejection of the common societal values that are upheld by the masses. something just feels so right about it. i'm never going to fit in with the general population, i'm never going to feel comfortable pretending to be what others expect, i'm never going to be happy unless i accept myself for who i am. i don't want to change myself to fit into something i don't even want to belong to - and so i won't. there are so many stereotypes about what gothicism is about and what goths are, but i don't care about those, because it all comes down to what feels right for YOU. what feels right for me.

i feel the best when i'm not trying to conform; when i'm saying in the nicest possible way, fuck you to a society that worships sports and conformity and things that are "normal". i feel the most comfortable when i'm not pretending to fit in, when i'm out on the edge because i want to be. i suppose you could say that i'm rejecting a society that rejects me; but it's more than that, because i don't want to fit in with this society. i want a society that will fit in with me.

conforming to the gothic subculture is still perhaps conforming, the very thing "we" want to denounce.
(and i only say "we" because no other word really made sense there... ahah)
but it's a choice consciously made by those who want it; as opposed to subconsciously being swayed by what the media, the public, the peers tell you is right.

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i have a feeling i'm going to get flamed for things i've written about in this entry. it's just what i feel though.
i grew up my whole life believing that i had to "be" a certain way (thanks very much in part to a mother who always had to have what everyone else had, who couldn't do anything unless she had the approval/ prior expertise of others); i know it's fucked me up a lot. this is my way of reclaiming back who I want to be, living out what I believe. maybe then everything else will start to fall into place.