October 8th, 2006

have you ever been low?

this is not really happening

Noel and I have flights booked back home, on Monday, 12pm. We don't arrive back into Adelaide until Wednesday morning; we were lucky to even be able to get on a flight in the first half of the week.

How do you describe what you are feeling when your Dad dies?

I want it all to be a horrible, bad nightmare. When I got the voicemail last night at around 5pm (about 2am back home) from my uncle (Dad's brother) telling me to call home as soon as possible, I knew it couldn't be good. I was hoping it was just like, another heart attack BUT Dad was in hospital and being looked after again. That's all it was meant to be. He was doing so much better when I spoke to him that morning. He was meant to be okay.

I keep hearing my Mum's words, over and over again. They are so fresh and vivid, like hearing them for the first time again & again, and that stab of pain. "You better sit down... Dad's died". I screamed, and curled over sobbing, no no no not my daddy.
He died in his sleep. He was fine before he went to bed. Then Mum woke up around midnight and he was gone.

She said my uncle has been a godsend. Their whole family went over there, at 2am, to be with my Mum and sister.
I'm so worried about them. I just want to get back home and be with them again.

Russ and Aphie have been looking after me.
I want to wake up from this nightmare.
I want my Dad to be alive and healthy again.

oh god... this just can't be happening.

contact details

Thankyou all for your support, your kind comments and thoughts. I appreciate it so, so much.

I will be back in Adelaide from Wednesday. In transit from tomorrow afternoon.
My phone number back in Australia is 0408 807 362 (+61 408 807 362 from overseas),
I'm not sure how long I'm going to be back home for. Everything is up in the air at the moment. I will likely return to London in a couple of weeks to get my things and tie up loose ends, with my room and job and everything else, even if I decide to go back home permanently (which is looking like the most probable scenario right now).

My email is jade @ faerywinged.org, please email me, stay in touch, recommend books or music or people to talk to, just say hi.
Remind me that life still goes on, because it feels impossible right now.
Or anything that you think will help.
I'm going to suggest grief counselling for my mother.
I don't know what else to do :(

If anyone else has been through this, please talk to me, if you can... it's like it somehow helps a little bit, to know that other people have been through losses like this, and can still somehow go on. I need to know this right now, I need to know how, how to make it stop hurting so much, how to stop from biting on my clenched fists to dull the screaming inside. I know it must be possible, somehow, someday, but it really feels so impossible.

How does life go on again?