scarlet's walk (kisstheviolets) wrote,
scarlet's walk
kisstheviolets

explanations

so, an explanation of sorts for my little outburst last night + sudden lack of faith.

coming up here to Queensland was the beginning of achieving my dreams. feeling like the untouchable was within a hands grasp away after all, as though maybe wishes on stars could come true. and being up here gave me this type of freedom that i had always longed for, doing what i could do reach my goals, and just making it, day by day.
i had it all planned out - finances, education, and so on.
then work decided to turn around and say they're not going to give me hours up here, because of my limited availability - understandable in it's own right, yet frustrating that they left it a month to tell me, and other things that occured there [noticably, one of the head girls getting quite shitty with me when she asked if i could do stocktake at a certain time and i told her i had uni then; i always said upon coming up here that uni was always going to be my first priority, and not some little part-time job, the way that it was back in adelaide. yet this guilt complex that falls upon me makes me feel like im a horrible person for not always doing what other people expect of me]. so that was stressful event #1 - thinking that i had a job, only to find that i don't, not really.

then stressful event #2 - after finally lodging my youth allowance forms yesterday, i was told that i may not actually be eligible for any government funding, due to the fact that this degree i'm doing at uni here, is at the same "level" as my first degree [a bachelor's degree]... something that was never outlined as being a possible deterrant in any of the literature about youth allowance. in other words, i may not actually have any means of surviving up here in Queensland after all.

i can't go home, not yet, not now... i can't allow my dreams to be broken so easily; and yet it feels like my spirit is already breaking at the thought of having to give up. my schedule at the moment is so insane that it will be almost impossible to find a job - no-one is going to want to hire someone who can really only work 1 day, or maybe a couple of nights.

i have so much self-doubt right now, and i just don't know what to do about it. everyone tells me that it will be okay, things will work out; but i'm so scared of what will happen if it doesn't. i don't like this realisation that very soon, i might not be able to afford to stay in school, that my dreams are giving way to this thing called reality, that everything i used to believe about myself + life, is just turning out to be some huge facade after all.

i don't think i quite know what i'm doing up here after all; and yet, i don't think i can return home either.
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