scarlet's walk (kisstheviolets) wrote,
scarlet's walk
kisstheviolets

night loses all sense of fear

I'm not ready to leave to go back to Queensland just yet... but my plane leaves tomorrow morning.
It should be easier this time around. I know now what I'm going to, unlike when I first left, and everything was an adventure, an unexplored territory that I was approaching alone. This time around, I have my house to go back to, my wonderful housemates (who have told me that it's been too quiet without me around), my university classes, my dancing, my singing, the children's theatre production. And there's only 6 weeks until I can come back home again (if I decide to work back here in Adelaide over summer), unlike last time when I didn't know when I could come back again.
Yet somehow, it all feels harder to leave again.

Oh, but what a wondeful holiday it's been. I've seen just about all my friends, especially all my closest ones over these last 12 days, and spent many beautiful hours just being with the people I've missed the most. Moving away really has inspired a deeper appreciation for those who made the effort to stay in touch, and at least I can move back to Queensland with the knowledge that I have so much love in my life. I am the lucky one. But it does make it hard to go back.

But there are positives about going back as well. I really have missed Jane and Pat, and there's something liberating about living away from home and being responsible for yourself. Being in a whole other state has given me this sense of freedom to be who I want to be, and to discover what sort of person I really can be. I've missed dancing, and somehow, being back in Adelaide gave me room to doubt what I was actually doing there in Queensland. Russell tells me that I'll remember again when I get back, and by god, I hope so. Because I can't keep losing hope + faith like this.

I've promised myself many spring days of glitter, sunshine, poetry, music, and finding contentment within myself. I'll wear sparkles in my hair and on my face so that I have a reason to always shine, and burn incense and candles to fill my heart with peace. I'll immerse myself in the things that bring me the most joy, and not worry so much about all the tomorrows, because when I do that, I forget to live for today. I'll remind myself that I have love to return to whenever I'm ready, and that wherever I go, I'm surrounded by beauty if only I take the time to breathe it in.

It's going to be hard to leave again. But... I'm ready.
No-one ever said that living out your dreams was easy. But I can try.
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