In 24 hours time, I'll be on a plane on my way back to Adelaide for the summer, and suddenly I'm feeling a little sad about it. Isn't it crazy how I've been looking forward to going back, almost since I came back from my last holiday, yet now that I'm leaving again, I'm realising all the things I'm leaving behind. Maybe this is stemming from having good ballet classes lately, and realising that even if I'm not up to the same standard as all the other girls who have been dancing all their lives, I'm doing okay, and I'm getting better. Maybe this is stemming from having a class tonight where I actually felt in control of what I was doing for once, rather than feeling out of control, or maybe this is stemming from the announcement that the next children's theatre production that I wanted to work on is actually beginning their rehearsals very soon, rather than next year like I thought, meaning I'll be missing out on the beginning... again. Maybe it's coming from this realisation that hit me this afternoon as I looked around my room deciding whether to pack my jazz sneakers or not that I wouldn't be back here again for at least 2 1/2 months, and that when I return, things will have changed, I will have changed, because it's a certainty right now. It all just kinda hit, and now I feel like I'm being torn between 2 places.
Kinda like I did when I first moved up here.
I'm going to need help to remember to come back again next year. I've had so many doubts and bad thoughts this last few months which make the possibility of staying back in Adelaide too easy to fall into, but I can't. Because it hit me today, and every other day when I dance and remember how much I love to dance; when I'm in the theatre and remembering how I wanted to spend all my days there, or when I sing, and everything else just fades into the background... that despite everything else, I really do love being up here. But I'm scared to have more months like the recent ones where all there is is doubt and pain and uncertainty.
Tomorrow I go back to my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my security, my comforts. I leave my world of dance + theatre + music, my independence and my dreams coming true. And I wonder which world is really the best for me right now.