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31 January 2003 @ 08:36 pm
wondering. always wondering. what-ifs run around my mind like a ferris wheel, circling over and over. there are times like these that i want to switch off my thoughts, and just be, and not question everything and wonder if there's a better road than the one i'm taking. and i wish that i didn't hang onto things so easily, to memories and feelings and love, that i could just let go and smile... perhaps i've made the mistake of being too naive, perhaps i'm giving up too easily, but is it a crime to just want to be fully happy? i want to stop waking up with a feeling of dread weighing heavily on my mind, but i honestly can't remember the last time that happened. i don't want anymore goodbyes. i want to find something and just hold onto it, but i seem to be running from every opportunity that i can.

i wonder when it was that i changed, how i suddenly started longing for predictability and stability. i used to think that the worst thing in the world was to be boring, but aren't boring people happy anyway, because they don't know any better? maybe i need to stop longing for the things i can't have, maybe i need to stop being the endless dreamer, maybe i need to stop trying to be something that i'm not, no matter how much i want to be. maybe i need to stop worrying about what other people think of me, because if i can get past that, then maybe i'll be comfortable in my own skin. it's okay to be me... but i'm too damn critical of myself. someone comes to me with open arms and i wonder how it is that he could love me so openly, without criticism, without judgement.

there are too many questions, never enough answers. something plays in my mind, disturbing me, but honestly? - i just can't find the words for it right now. i suppose i just need to trust that things will be okay. i've gotten this far already.
Lady Laureola of Candlewyckpatchworksiren on January 31st, 2003 08:52 am (UTC)
beautifully expressed!
would you mind if I added you?

keep dreaming. . . . .
    scarlet's walkkisstheviolets on January 31st, 2003 05:01 pm (UTC)
thankyou, and of course i don't mind :)
hearts streaked across the skies: uncertainly audreylikeyesterday on January 31st, 2003 10:13 am (UTC)
*hugs*...*wishes for your troubles to fly away!*
absolutions on January 31st, 2003 01:29 pm (UTC)
I love your entries. :) I just felt the need to tell you that.
    scarlet's walkkisstheviolets on January 31st, 2003 05:02 pm (UTC)
thankyou, that means a lot to me. xox.
love graffiti dancing in the streetsurban_ballerina on January 31st, 2003 05:10 pm (UTC)
do we hang? in a constant state of movement. through everyone and everything?

i hang too.
we both can be monkey girls. and hang on too.
the stuff of forever fairytales.

and we can swing. through what if's and maybes. and know that every decision. is a new bit of a maze. and that its amazing how far we've come. and how much we've left. what if we didnt met him her. and how one little thing can change everything. our lives. and where we are going. and how meaning can change with one millosecond reason. its scary the power.
    scarlet's walkkisstheviolets on January 31st, 2003 05:54 pm (UTC)
*nods* i agree.
we throw our words like BOMBS and HAND GRENADES;eclissi_solare on January 31st, 2003 07:20 pm (UTC)
i see many similarities between you&me. or, it seems so.
on any given day i could have written an entry paralleling this one.

im glad you added me&im sorry i hadnt added you back sooner.
    scarlet's walkkisstheviolets on January 31st, 2003 07:51 pm (UTC)
that is quite alright :)
it always amazes me to find people who have been through similar situations/ or are going through them right now.
it's comforting, in some ways. to know that we are not alone in our ways of thinking.