scarlet's walk (kisstheviolets) wrote,
scarlet's walk
kisstheviolets

wondering. always wondering. what-ifs run around my mind like a ferris wheel, circling over and over. there are times like these that i want to switch off my thoughts, and just be, and not question everything and wonder if there's a better road than the one i'm taking. and i wish that i didn't hang onto things so easily, to memories and feelings and love, that i could just let go and smile... perhaps i've made the mistake of being too naive, perhaps i'm giving up too easily, but is it a crime to just want to be fully happy? i want to stop waking up with a feeling of dread weighing heavily on my mind, but i honestly can't remember the last time that happened. i don't want anymore goodbyes. i want to find something and just hold onto it, but i seem to be running from every opportunity that i can.

i wonder when it was that i changed, how i suddenly started longing for predictability and stability. i used to think that the worst thing in the world was to be boring, but aren't boring people happy anyway, because they don't know any better? maybe i need to stop longing for the things i can't have, maybe i need to stop being the endless dreamer, maybe i need to stop trying to be something that i'm not, no matter how much i want to be. maybe i need to stop worrying about what other people think of me, because if i can get past that, then maybe i'll be comfortable in my own skin. it's okay to be me... but i'm too damn critical of myself. someone comes to me with open arms and i wonder how it is that he could love me so openly, without criticism, without judgement.

there are too many questions, never enough answers. something plays in my mind, disturbing me, but honestly? - i just can't find the words for it right now. i suppose i just need to trust that things will be okay. i've gotten this far already.
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