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01 February 2003 @ 01:53 pm
looking to the past for answers  
been rereading past entries from the time up i first moved up here in queensland, in hopes of finding something that will help me. and i notice this pattern - that i was so excited to be up here, living my dreams. but whilst that was happening, i missed people back home like you wouldn't believe. no matter how many dance classes i was taking, what songs we were singing in music, adelaide was never too far from my thoughts. my friends were always in my heart, russell felt too far away, and i just wished to find stability.

now my dreams have changed. now i don't have to be up here to achieve what i want. and everyone is still too far away from here. so where does that leave me?

i keep thinking, "i need to give this longer, i've only been back a few days, i need to settle in again, and then decide where i want to be." but deep down, i think i know that it's not just a matter of time, because no matter what i get involved in, or the people i could meet or the job i could be working, there's always going to be this big part of me that misses home, and doesn't feel quite complete anymore. i could get a good job in adelaide. i could get my own place in adelaide. i could start dancing again in adelaide. i could do work experience with a theatre company, take singing lessons, meet new people. but while i do that, everyone that i love and seem to need these days, would only be a stone's throw away, not a 3-hour flight. even though people always move on, you always feel more connected where you grew up, where your family are, where your support systems are. especially when there's no reason anymore to stay so far away. especially when even throughout your happiness only months ago being here, you always missed those close to you. do i want to keep living here with that dull ache in my heart? no, i don't think so. not if i don't need to.

i'm not up here trying to live out my dreams anymore. i didn't give them up, i just took a change of heart. i just want an ordinary life, i just want stability, but am i going to find it, being so far away from my loves?

drama rehearsal starts in 10 minutes. i didn't go, because i don't want to start something like that that i'm not sure i can commit to. i think in my heart i know what i want to do. it's just trusting that it really is the best thing to do.