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10 February 2003 @ 07:51 pm
quickly burning  
it's funny how quickly life can turn around. this time last year, i was planning to finish my uni course, work full-time (possibly at rebel sport), hang out with my friends. in a heartbeat, that changed to me moving halfway across the country in an attempt to follow a dream i'd had since i was at least 8. dancing, theatre, music... i wanted it all. yet the time it took to decide to make that move, and then actually fulfil that decision, was only weeks. too quick, too quick some said, but i knew that if i hadn't gone in the winter months of that year, i never would have gone at all. you can have that spark within you, but sometimes reality sets in, and it burns out. i had to leave when i did, and those who were close to me understood.

now, my decision to reverse that move has been just as quick. and again, some say, too quick, too quick, give it more time, only this time it's not a matter of fearing that the spark will stop burning, but knowing that i'll stop burning. i know i could stay here longer, but why delay the inevitable? something's not quite right here, and like last time, i know what it is. last year i had to give this thing a try. this year, i know it's not the right thing for me after all. and that's okay, you know? because it's okay for your dreams to change, but the important thing is that you give it a try.


i want to be a success, so badly. i want to work hard, have a secure life. i don't want to wind up a loser who's given up on life, i don't want to waste my potential, and i don't want to try and be something that i'm not. i want people to be proud of me, and russell says to me that it doesn't matter because he's already proud of me, but i want something more. i want to remain close to those i love, for i've discovered that to me, having support right by you is what makes the difference. i don't want to keep running like i have been, and i want people to know that i really do love them, despite my impatience or inability to communicate with some these days. i want to be something more than what i am right now, and i want to remember what it was like to have ambition and determination flowing through my veins. just because my dreams aren't the same anymore, doesn't mean i can't have that spark of light shining... right?
Oh to be in Oleanna: brassaiwintercherry on February 10th, 2003 02:59 am (UTC)
Sweetie, it sounds to me like you're doing everything right - following your gut and really, who cares what people think? Do what makes you feel happy. And if people disagree with that, then it's not their life to disagree with, right? I have a feeling that you'll be successful no matter what you choose to do.
m33p on February 10th, 2003 07:29 am (UTC)
You're my spark of light, honeyhoney. <3 xxo
haneli on February 10th, 2003 07:51 am (UTC)
The spark is *you* not the dreams you have. And success isn't really measured in what you do, but in how happy you are.
starlin on February 10th, 2003 10:12 am (UTC)
these moves may be bringing you closer to where you're supposed to be than you realize.
kersteekerstee on February 10th, 2003 07:06 pm (UTC)
I wish I had the courage to do what you've done over the past year. It must have been hard to up and move so far away from your friends and family, but at least you can look back and say that you've given it your best shot and have come to the realisation that it's not for you.

And you always know what people say, one door closing is another one opening. I have no doubt that you will be a success, you've got what it takes. :)
our love is god.heartshock on February 10th, 2003 10:16 pm (UTC)
you ARE a spark, honeyhoney. just keep pounding at it. tear at it with your fingernails if you have to. you ARE beautiful. <33
Effortlessly Controversialmoonborn on February 11th, 2003 02:03 pm (UTC)
You are always sparky and delicious. *hugsyou*
the air in yr lungspassionetta on February 15th, 2003 06:04 pm (UTC)
readd me, sweetie.