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01 April 2002 @ 10:21 pm
attitude change  
Back in November I wrote that nothing was truly bad at work; I wish that I could remember those happy times where going to work was nothing to be fearful of, and where I had a thousand reasons to smile. Perhaps those reasons are still there, only I'm too blinded by my own stubborness to see them. I feel so incredibly trapped at work that any reason to be happy is wiped away like initials in the sand. The tide has turned. Tomorrow afternoon sees me returning to the Land of Registers, and I'm going to try and be positive, and develop that mindset I had just 6 months ago; as someone said last week, it is true that if you tell yourself it's going to be a bad day, it really will be. I just need to focus, but at the same time, pretend that I'm not there. I used to allow my imagination to wander free while all the time letting my hands and mouth run on auto-pilot as I put people's purchases through; now I only feel consumed by hatred for my position, and resentment that after 2 1/2 years, I'm still doing almost exactly the same thing I was doing when I first got hired. Until I find another position somewhere, I need to try and stop myself from being so negative. Of course, that's easier said than done. Sometimes I hate being little Miss Sunshine all the time.

And it's funny, reading back on all the things I wrote those 6 months ago. Days that I thought I'd never get through, moments I never thought I'd forget, pain I never thought would heal. Things change. Life goes on. And one day, maybe in 6 months time, I'll reread everything I've written over the last few weeks, and find the ability to laugh at myself for being so melodramatic. You don't forget pain. But you can move on. There's always a light, even in the darkest of nights.