i'm going to hide out at russ's place again tonight. he won't be there for the most of it, and as crazy as it seems, that suits me fine. i feel like i'm invisible there in a good way, a place where i can disappear into words and images, write, read, dream, sleep, and no-one's there to hassle me. then later on he'll come home again and wrap his arms around me in sleep, and somehow, all the pieces fit together. i brought a new journal last weekend, and i'm intending on buying a polaroid camera too. there's something about instant snapshots that just capture a moment like nothing else - the idea that a moment can't ever be the same as another, can't ever be copied. i wish i could find my creative spark again, and just being away from home, being in his room on my own, helps me. if only a little.
i miss that about being in queensland. this time a year ago i was finding all my creative outlets, and i felt like i had begun to live again. little did i know that i'd be back here again. but creativity doesn't come in a state. it's not where you are, it's who you are. the creativity is inside me, and i just have to learn how to use it.
i wish i could down in ink & colour & glitter & film & words & syllables & pixels & & &
when i'm reading my favourite novels, i press my hands into the pages, as though somehow, i could melt into the ink, and become one with the characters. the tragic heroine. the brave underdog. the girl learning to find her wings. all those things i'll never be.