but there are others, people i considered to be "friends", who have turned out otherwise. and i'm so sick of just being used by these people; of being the one they can dump all their problems on, and then run away when i need to talk. these are the people who were nowhere to be found when i went through a dark time this year; people who didn't even try to listen. people i thought were amongst my closest friends. these people, just a couple in particular, make me so angry. one of them refused to listen to my side of the story; but now she sweeps it under the rug and contacts me -- when SHE needs someone to talk to, when SHE has something to say. and she writes as though i still actually give a fuck about how her little life is going. as though she's doing me a favour by "keeping me up to date with her life" - even though SHE was the one who turned her back on me when i needed friends the most.
and there was a time when i would have responded the way she wanted me to anyway, when i would have been hurt but gone along for the ride because i don't like to let people down. but i'm over that now, and i finally realise what it's been like. and i want to say a big FUCK YOU to those few people who have the nerve to pretend like everything's okay but only when YOU want it to be. i spent today being angry over an email that i just knew she was going to write me; and i knew this because it was meant to be an important day for her (but personally, of something i really don't care about). but R had wisdom for me: you can't get upset if you don't give them a chance to. so i'm going to try not to. fuck being the all-round "nice girl" who gives everyone a chance. no-one is worth losing yr self-esteem over. and if you can't be a friend to me, then i'm not going to be a friend to you. it's that simple. BECAUSE I'M WORTH HAVING REAL FRIENDS.
i'm gonna stand up for myself with this one. it's only 2 or 3 people, but it's enough to bring you down. and i'm not going to let myself get dragged down by anyone who's not worth it anymore.
i know i'm not always the greatest friend, i know i'm not always there when people need me. but i try. and i don't think i use people. these people do, and they think they can get away with it. not anymore. i demand respect because i know i deserve it. we all do, but only if you can give it too.
in other news, i've lost my scarlet's walk cd. i have the case -- but the cd appears to have been MIA for... well a month at least. i honestly have no idea where it is because i'm fanatical about putting my cds in their cases straight away, and it bothers me that not only has a single cd (ie, not the case as well) disappeared completely, but that it happens to be one of my favourites. damnit. where has it gone?
apologies if i sound like a hard-hearted bitch in the above. but i'm done with being stepped all over by people who are self-absorbed and hypocritical. it's long since time i stood up for myself completely, and the only ones to be worried about anything i've said here at all, are the ones who have something - ie, a doormat - to lose.