sarah & i saw peter pan again last night; i loved it just as much second time round. the soundtrack is released here on monday, and even though i keep swearing i'm going to save my money (for england ! 37 weeks !), this is special. i'm trying to get hold of one of those giant movie posters they have up in the cinemas too. if only i could fly away to neverland for real.
i'm fascinated by the goth culture (or sub-culture if you like). perhaps i'm more drawn to it's counter-culture, the rejection of society, the rejection of the common societal values that are upheld by the masses. something just feels so right about it. i'm never going to fit in with the general population, i'm never going to feel comfortable pretending to be what others expect, i'm never going to be happy unless i accept myself for who i am. i don't want to change myself to fit into something i don't even want to belong to - and so i won't. there are so many stereotypes about what gothicism is about and what goths are, but i don't care about those, because it all comes down to what feels right for YOU. what feels right for me.
i feel the best when i'm not trying to conform; when i'm saying in the nicest possible way, fuck you to a society that worships sports and conformity and things that are "normal". i feel the most comfortable when i'm not pretending to fit in, when i'm out on the edge because i want to be. i suppose you could say that i'm rejecting a society that rejects me; but it's more than that, because i don't want to fit in with this society. i want a society that will fit in with me.
conforming to the gothic subculture is still perhaps conforming, the very thing "we" want to denounce.
(and i only say "we" because no other word really made sense there... ahah)
but it's a choice consciously made by those who want it; as opposed to subconsciously being swayed by what the media, the public, the peers tell you is right.
there is nothing wrong, absolutely nothing wrong, with enjoying football, parties, alcohol, pop music - if that is what YOU actively choose.
there is, however, a million things wrong with a) pretending to like something just to "fit in"; b) rejecting people on the basis that they DON'T like it (or alternatively because they DO like something - ie, it would be hypocritical of me to turn around and say "i don't like people who like basketball", no matter what my own feelings are towards the sport/object itself); c) coercing people into "enjoying" your activity/object (etc) of choice/s just because YOU think they should; and d) treating people like freaks/weirdos/laughing at them because they enjoy something that you don't understand.
(and okay, there are probably a million things wrong with that paragraph too, but hey, let me think out aloud for a bit ?)
i suppose i get frustrated when people insinuate that the activites i choose to involve myself in/be interested in are somehow wrong. i've spoken many a time in this journal of how i wish i could just openly speak of the things that interest me the way that others can; i suppose it's the same story. i resent people acting like i'm "boring" because i'd rather sit in a cafe & write than get drunk at some nightclub; i resent the pressure society puts on people to be extroverted, social, outgoing - normal.
what is normal anyway? ick.
i'm tired of pretending; and i like to look different than the norm, it makes me feel comfortable in my own skin somehow.
i don't even know if i'm making any sense now. it's just something i feel, something i'm starting to believe. it can't be substantiated by facts, only by things like the confidence that surged inside me early new years eve when i wore the most gothic outfit i had, just because i could; how it never bothers me when people give me odd looks when i wear clothes like that yet i become so insecure when i wear clothes that are "in fashion". i feel like the ugliest girl around when i look just like everyone else. i don't give a shit when i'm wearing my "gothic" clothing (ugh, this labelling thing isn't cool either but anyway). it is something that i feel inside, something i can't explain in words, but perhaps one day i can explain by experience.
i'm not saying i am, i'm not saying i'm not. i'm saying that i'm learning and i'm trying to be who i am and i'm trying to live the values that i believe in. i'm not going to live to society's expectations anymore. i used to, and i hated it.
if i'm going to be an outcast, it's because i choose to be one. yet somehow - it feels okay to be like this. because i don't want to fit into that mould anyway.
i have a feeling i'm going to get flamed for things i've written about in this entry. it's just what i feel though.
i grew up my whole life believing that i had to "be" a certain way (thanks very much in part to a mother who always had to have what everyone else had, who couldn't do anything unless she had the approval/ prior expertise of others); i know it's fucked me up a lot. this is my way of reclaiming back who I want to be, living out what I believe. maybe then everything else will start to fall into place.