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25 February 2001 @ 09:04 pm
one last night of freedom  
I start uni again tomorrow. I don't know whether I should be looking forward to it, or scared to death. I think I'm somewhere in between.

On one hand, getting back into study will do me some good. I need to be challenged, and god knows, I haven't done anything this summer that has stretched me in any ways. It'll be good to see everyone again from last year - there are more and more friendly faces to recognise each semester, and I'm looking forward to seeing how everyone spent their summer. Saying goodbye at the end of each year was never easy - I couldn't call these people 'friends', but they were definitely people I enjoyed talking to and spending class times with. I'm looking forward to learning new things, to be doing something productive. As much as I enjoy working at Rebel [most of the time anyway], it sure as heck isn't a job I want to be doing the rest of my life. I like to think I have more ambition than that, and going to uni is a part of that.

But on the other hand... the stress. Ooh, I just know already that this semester is going to be a busy one. Of course, that's totally my own fault - it's not like I have to take singing lessons and direct plays and be in an operetta. And I don't regret doing any of that, not at all. But I'm scared that maybe I won't be able to handle it all... that I'll break down again at the end, like I did both semesters last year. I'm worried that I'll become apathetic and passive like I did in December, and I'm scared that the people I work with will lose respect for me because I can't handle my own life anymore. I'm scared I'll fall out of control again.

I just have to be organised, and focussed. And I have to learn to... ask for help when I need it. I need to stop trying to be Supergirl, and admit when there's something I can't do, say no when I don't want to do something, and be honest with my feelings.

One more night of freedom. Maybe I should have made more out of my summer after all.