x. i hid in my room tonight amongst candles & faerylights and wrote to emmica and listened to portishead and read more of Mists of Avalon. i could get lost amongst words and maybe tonight i'll drift off into a dreamland where everything is not as it seems. i don't understand 'the real world'. not anymore. lets find out own Isle and we'll create our own world there, please?
x. the Beslan massacre devastates me. someone wrote into our daily newspaper saying that it was all very well to feel sad for what happened in Beslan, but what about showing the other side, what Russia had been doing to Chechen for all these years? and that made me angry, for whatever the government is doing, why should innocent children be suffered and murdered? how can that ever justify what happened this weekend, how can that be an excuse for torturing and murdering so many children and their family members who had no say? why didn't the Chechen's storm the President and his parliment if they were so angry with their decisions? and i know there will never be any answers, that nothing is black and white but it leaves me in dispair. i think about what those last hours, those 3 days in hostage must have been like for those children. their last hours before they were killed in cold blood.
do you ever think about how your life might end? how you hope that you'll be with those you love, that you'll get a chance to say goodbye, that it will be peaceful, painless? i think of those children, the terror, the agony, the mind games. their last hours spent in fear. and it just isn't fucking fair that they should have had to go through that, all because they were born of a government who made a decision that others didn't like.
x. i don't understand our world and it frightens me. are things going to get worse before they get better? will they even get better?
x. i live on dreams and imagination. maybe it's safer there, or maybe i'm just too afraid to see the world for what it is. i'm afraid because i can't do anything to change it, and therefore i make myself believe it isn't happening. but i know that's not a good way to be.