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23 December 2000 @ 07:03 pm
Finding the Christmas spirit and reasons to smile again  
A quiet night at home. I need it! I'm so worn out from working so much at the busiest time of the year; in fact, I've been looking forward to tonight. Kicking back and doing nothing for a night is my treat to myself, something that's helped me to get through the last few days. Not that they've been bad at all - but the thought of working non-stop is hardly an endearing reason to jump out of bed each morning.

Although it's the weekend before Christmas day, it actually wasn't all that busy at work today. In fact, it was quieter than a usual Saturday! Too freaky. At 12:30pm, there were 4 of us standing around on our registers looking around. "Where are the people?" Not that I minded not being flat-out at all; but it was odd, considering we were all expecting it to be the busiest day ever. Around 2pm, things started to pick up a little, but it was hardly a stressful day. That's good. However, it was long. I was so excited when 5pm rolled around. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I swear I fell asleep standing up. I'm back there tomorrow though, but that's okay. One more shift left before Christmas. I like that thought.

Despite everything though, it really doesn't feel like Christmas at the moment. Maybe you have to be a little kid again and believe in Santa for Christmas to be magical... but Christmas isn't about Santa. Therefore, the magic should still be there. But it feels like...a regular month. It's redundant asking customers if they're doing their Christmas shopping, 3 days before Christmas day... yet I have to make some sort of conversation with them whilst waiting for their credit card to be approved. Usually the customer will smile wryly, and nod, and make some light-hearted comment about how they've nearly finished, or, in most cases, are just beginning. Duh Jade, what do you expect? Of COURSE they're doing their Christmas shopping. Why else would anyone be at the mall when thousands of other mad shoppers will be sharing the same air-space and going frantic over carparking? But the more I ask that question, the less Christmasy it feels. I feel like a robot, asking the same thing over and over.... and that's how the whole Christmas season is beginning to feel. Like we're doing this stuff because it's routine, and not because we feel the Christmas spirit.

I'm trying though. Normally I'm a bit down on Christmas, perhaps because I've spent 3 years working in retail, and I see the greedy, materialistic side of people come out in full force at this time of the year. It's enough to make you want to forget all about December 25th, and just carry on like it's a regular day. But of course, I always renounce that decision about a month after I make it - usually after things have gone back to normal in retail-land. This year hasn't been too bad though. Maybe it's because I haven't been working as much, or maybe it's because I haven't been so unhappy; or maybe it's because it's given me an opportunity [not that I should need an opportunity] to appreciate my friends and family and those who really do love me. And THAT's what Christmas should be about. Despite the materialism, the craziness... Christmas is about friends and family, about love. That's what my Christmas is this year, and for once, I am looking forward to it.

I'm watching the Rock Eisteddfods on TV right now, and I must say, I wish my old high school had been bigger, so that we could have had an entry in the competition too. All the dancing and the music, the costumes, the lights, the ENERGY... I love it. It's infectious. It's making me want to dance again... it's making me feel alive, and bright, and creative once more. I can't WAIT to begin rehearsals for "Waltzes from Vienna". I want to start dancing again too. I want to direct more plays, sing at the top of my lungs, express myself in fresh and creative ways.

And I know I will.