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10 April 2002 @ 08:52 pm
disappointment  
I always said: "regret nothing". Mistakes made, words that should have remained unspoken, actions that should never have been thought of: they are all what brings us here today. I told Larissa that the things I did regret were the things I didn't do, rather than the things I had do - no matter what the disasterous consequences were, how things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, at least they happened. What-ifs kill me far worse than any sense of wishing I hadn't.

So there is no regrets for today, but disappointment is allowed to set in. Because no matter how much you try and set yourself up into believing that things could go wrong, there is always that little expectation that it won't, and that things will work out. Sometimes reality can be cold. Even though I always said that the reality was better than the what-ifs, that closure, whether good or bad, was a way of moving on, the truth is: sometimes it's easier to live inside yr head, because imagined disappointment is never as rough as the real thing.

They say to put your heart out on the line, because never knowing is worse than a moment of "no". And I do believe that, I honestly do; but not getting the answer you want is never an easy pill to swallow. I am okay with the outcome, but there is always that moment of wishing that things could be different. But they can't be, so whats the use of wishing? It's only wasted energy.

My msn user name currently reads: oh well... i tried! eh. [now close yr eyes + wait for reality to sink in]. I think now might be a good time for sleep.