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22 October 2006 @ 01:01 pm
It feels strange, to wake up, and the sun is warm, the days are still going by.
It feels strange to realise that life does still go on, somehow.
Even though it hurts so fucking much inside, I am trying, trying, trying not to give in.

I am trying to think, what would Dad want?... and he'd want for us to keep living.
Though sometimes that feels so impossible.

We're taking baby steps. Little things at a time, minute by minute. I'm trying not to think too much because when I do, I feel like falling apart. I miss Dad so much. I have a million questions to ask him, and then I realise I can't. I want to hear him say, "come give your Dad a hug" so badly.
So I don't think about it, because it hurts to goddamn much.

Is that wrong? I don't know whats right, or wrong, I only know how to get through the minutes as they pass by.

Trying to plan ahead, think of the future, think forward so I don't start wallowing in grief. It would be too easy to just close my eyes, draw the curtains, and not leave my room for the next few months, but what good will that do, really?
That's not what my Dad would do.

I am trying to be positive, or at least, to not be totally negative.
I have a rough plan in my mind, a 5-year plan or something like it, that involves Russ, working, saving money, studying part-time, becoming qualified (accounting is looking like a real possibility), returning to England one day. It reminds me that there are still things worth living for.

For now, it's a 5-minute plan, each day at a time. Do my tax return today so I can get some money, feed Noel's cat while he's away, read more books (the library really does = love), start writing letters again, listen to good music, talk to my friends, play with the dogs. Hug my mum and my sister all the time. Know that it's okay to cry and be sad, but it's also okay to put one foot in front of the other and try and move forward.

Daddy... we're trying to be okay, we really are.


I'm going to get a tattoo on my shoulder blade, maybe an angel and my Dad's name or initials. I'm not sure which yet.
aeval_arduina on October 22nd, 2006 04:13 am (UTC)
you are doing so amazingly. <3 <3 <3
amesfabuleuxamelie on October 22nd, 2006 04:13 am (UTC)
this is such an inspiring post jade, you've brought a tear to my eye. i'm so proud of you, seeing your strength just shine on through. i hope you know you have friends all around you who want to hold your hands as you take those baby steps. xx ames.
    scarlet's walkkisstheviolets on October 22nd, 2006 02:17 pm (UTC)
thankyou so much, sweetheart.
she with her honey hairnelmiocuore on October 22nd, 2006 07:28 am (UTC)
the tattoo is a beautifl idea!
Crystalcrystalina on October 22nd, 2006 08:12 am (UTC)
Know that it's okay to cry and be sad, but it's also okay to put one foot in front of the other and try and move forward.

Thanks for saying this. It's so true. You're doing so well. Really.
A World of Fragile Things: greatest love - lion kingaussiekitty on October 22nd, 2006 08:21 am (UTC)
*hugs* Love the sound of the tattoo too hun - an angel with your dads intial's (or name) under would be <3.

Also, I just packaged up a letter and cds to you to mail tomorrow, but my printer isn't the healthiest right this second so the mixes cover is a little dodgy. I've uploaded it here incase you feel the need to reprint it once it arrives. Just pointing you in the direction now, as I don't know if I'll be online this week.
    scarlet's walkkisstheviolets on October 22nd, 2006 02:18 pm (UTC)
aw that is so sweet, thankyou so much.
eleanor janephotogirl on October 22nd, 2006 09:40 am (UTC)
The tattoo is a wonderful idea :) I know you'd get it done beautifully & tastefully too.

I'm just wondering, why is returning to England not in your immediate plans? I hope this doesn't sound like a completely awful question as obviously I understand you want to be there with your family at the moment. I was just curious as to why you don't plan on coming back next year? Ach, I feel so silly for asking as I've probably missed the answer somewhere... I hope it doesn't come out wrong!

With lots of love
Elle xxx
    scarlet's walkkisstheviolets on October 22nd, 2006 09:46 am (UTC)
oh it's not a silly question at all! I have been thinking about returning in 2007, but to be honest, I don't really want to be too far from my Mum & sister right now.. even though sometimes it drives me crazy to be back here, I think I'd like to stick around for a couple of years, do some work & study, and then head back over to the UK when I'm much more ready. Russ is willing to come out here in the meantime to be with me (♥), which I am so very grateful for... I just don't feel right, inside, about returning to England so soon, you know? London will still be there in a couple of years... and besides, I was struggling moneywise, and with my new work/study plans, I can be much more qualified when I head back over, and not have those same worries hanging over my head.

I will be back -- I can use the ancestry visa from Dad's side of the family to come back whenever -- but I just feel that right now, i do need to be with my family.

I hope that makes sense, it was a bit rambly lol.
Much love to you honey xxx
you got you a fast horse darlin': gold dustthebluebells on October 22nd, 2006 11:15 am (UTC)

It was so good to talk to you angel - I love you so much! Take care of yourself *hugs* xxxx
    scarlet's walkkisstheviolets on October 22nd, 2006 02:19 pm (UTC)
i love YOU so much honey!
seanpadilla on October 22nd, 2006 09:06 pm (UTC)
I admire your strength and perserverance.
m.mothlight on October 23rd, 2006 11:36 am (UTC)
i think a tattoo sounds like a beautiful idea <3 and i think making plans like this is really smart and, like you said, will give you a goal. {hugs}
d-elicate: Gone With The Wind - Tomorrow Is Anotherhandsdown on October 25th, 2006 09:17 am (UTC)
Hello my brave little darling,
I encourage your tattoo idea, it is a beautiful idea and the sentiment I highly doubt you will ever regret. When I got mine, albeit for my doggie, but still, it did help so much inside, like you carry a little of them with you somehow, I don't know how to explain it. I've just started a letter to you, it may take a week or so before I finish (ok, ok, maybe a little more). Thinking of you every single day. I had a rude bus driver this morning and I thought about how you told the bus driver in London to fuck off. It cracked me up.

xoxox Deva