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30 May 1999 @ 06:24 pm
 

I feel like I'm under so much pressure at the moment, but I don't know what from. But most of it, I believe, comes from the Internet and the attachments I've made from there.

I feel pressured to be this wonderful friend to everyone that I meet, and I can't do that. I can't be there everytime one of my friends needs to talk, simply because I'm not online 24 hours a day. It seems a crock to say "I'll be there for you anytime you need me", because in reality, I WON'T be. Most probably, when one of my online friends is about to put a knife through her throat, or overdose on asprin, I won't be online to help that person. Most probably, I'll be somewhere, doing homework, attending classes, talking on the phone, going out with my friends. And it's not because I WANT to not be there for everyone who needs a friend. It's only because it's not practical to do so.

I wish I COULD be there for people, I wish I COULD be honest when I say that anytime they need someone to talk to, I'll be there for them. But I can't be. To do so, I would HAVE to be online 24 hours a day, every day. And you know what? Even if I could do that, I wouldn't want to. Because there is a life outside of a modem and a computer screen.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I think I'm saying that online friendships are so fine and delicate. Our friendships are based on how often we see each other online, how much money we can afford to use the internet, how much time we have to spend staring at a screen.

Blah. This isn't coming out right. I'm not actually critising online friendships. I think I'm just trying to say that their difficult to work out. I don't know.

Maybe what I'm saying is that I'm sick of the internet (again) and I want a break.

*

I had my first rehearsal the other day for the drama play that I'm acting in, and oh, I love it so much! The role, the whole feel of saying the lines, of being the part. I'd forgotten how it felt to not be myself for even a little while. And oh, I'm remembering how good it feels to act. When we'd finished the first read-through, everyone clapped and told me how good I was in the part. (*side note: my character has multiple-personality disorder and basically goes a little crazy onstage. Being told that I play this part well, I've yet to figure, whether that is a compliment or an insult. I'm telling myself it's a compliment). Acting is SO much fun! I love it!

Nothing much else to say in this entry. So I think I'll just go now...